Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
