Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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