Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
