3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
27 Unforgettable Hookup Texts
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
19 Groupies Confess What It’s Really Like To Hook Up With Famous Rockstars
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear