Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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