Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Randomize
