Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
