I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
