I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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