It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Randomize
