there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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