Pants 0. Shit 1.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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