I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
