so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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