he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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