You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
