Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
