god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
