Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
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You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
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Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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