oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
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look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize