He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
