Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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