I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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