mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Randomize
