I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
