i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
