I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Send help, water and tortillas.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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