Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
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If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
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It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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