Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
