You don't have asthma, your pregnant
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
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