I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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