I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
