Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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