She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
