I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
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i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
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He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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