dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
