if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
