Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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