The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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