Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
