He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
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She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
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I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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