My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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