Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
