I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
