you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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