She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
