I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I faked an abortion last night.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
All the doctor said was why
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
