i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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