he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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