so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
