fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
