first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
